Dysfunctional
by Butterfly Bandage
Summary: A series of drabbles underlining the Fantastic Four's extremely dysfunctional life. Requests are very much welcome!
1. How Does It Feel?

**A/N: **Um, yeah, I write way too much in my spare time, and I never really... post it, so now I am. Just a collection of short FF drabbles I've been writing this week. :D I'll post the rest later today, I need to go to the bookstore.

Oh yeah, and you all are welcome to request a drabble. In fact, I ask you to! Please do so:D

**Disclaimer:** The Fantastic Four are copyrighted to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. Wait... Jack Kirby is dead. o.O Um... morbid... ONWARDS.

**Summary:** Everyone wants to know if Johnny gets sunburned.

**How Does It Feel?**

**.:X:.**

"Tell me."

"No."

"For the love of God," Ben growled. "It's a simple question. You just like makin' me wonder, doncha."

Johnny just smirked as he reached into the fridge and pulled out a pudding cup. "For once, I'm gonna keep it to myself. My powers are not supposed to be an _attraction_, after all. Hey, Reed, you left your legs in the other room again," he added as Reed stumbled in. "Yes, I noticed," was the reply as a rubber 'snap' was quickly followed by Mister Fantastic's legs returning to their proper position.

"Any luck with that new cure?" Ben asked hopefully. "Johnny, your pudding."

"What?"

"Your pudding is on fire."

Johnny looked down and let out a yell. "No! Out! Go out! Not the pudding!"

"Well, I'm trying," Reed said warily as Johnny made several attempts to put out the miniature inferno in his hands (all to no avail). "Where's Susan?"

"Right here, Reed," the afore mentioned Susan said as she walked in. Noticing her brother melting a plastic cup of pudding out of existence, she rolled her eyes, walked over, grabbed it and flung it into the sink fast enough to avoid getting burned. "Johnny, stop being a spazz."

Johnny moaned. "That was the last one, too."

Ben dove in like a hawk, seeing an advantage. "Hey, Suzie, why don't you ask Johnny if he ever gets sunburned."

The three non-flammable members of the Fantastic Four looked at each other before turning as one to Johnny, who whithered under all the stares. "What, what? Why does everyone want to _know?_"

Reed rubbed his chin in thought. "You know, that is a really good question. Theoretically, I suppose your skin _would_ still turn red due to the heat, but as to whether or not it would actually burn--"

"Skipping the episode of _Scrubs _here, Doctor," Sue said over him, rolling her eyes again, "We'll just have to find out the hard way, won't we?"

Johnny eyed her wearily. "How, per se, do you expect me to know?"

Without warning, Sue grabbed his arm and pulled him towards his room. "Get your bathing suit on," she commanded in her I'm-your-older-sister-so-I-can-tell-you-what-to-do voice. "We're going to the beach. And don't wear any sunscreen."

Johnny made a face. "I'm _not _going to the beach. There's water there."

"Well noticed," Ben said, chuckling at the look on Johnny's face when he said the word water. "Yer a regular Einstein."

Johnny stuck out his tongue before Sue shot him out the door and headfirst into his room with a forcefield.

**.:X:.**

"Well, um... I guess now we know," Sue said, trying not to laugh.

Johnny scowled. "I hate you so much right now."

The exposed part of his body was bright red, like a lobster, which clashed crazily with his blond hair. Whenever he poked his arm, a bright white spot appeared for a few seconds before fading away back into red.

But he didn't feel any pain.

That made him mad.

Very, very mad.

Reed was holding in his smile as best as he could. "It seems like I was right."

Ben couldn't take it anymore. "I am getting a picture of this," he choked out as he laughed. The other two joined in, positivily howling with mirth.

Oh yeah, he was pissed.

He stalked off to his room. "I HATE YOU ALL, JUST FOR THE RECORD."

The door slammed.

**.:X:.**


	2. Dogpile

**A/N: **Second drabble. It finally occured to me I should put a summary...

Requests Teh Love!

**Disclaimer:** The Fantastic Four are copyrighted to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. One of whom is dead, and I just found that out even though I've known that for several years. Work your mind around that one, 'cause I still am.

**Summary: **Sue tries to figure out how the boys formed a dogpile in the hallway.

**Dogpile**

**  
.:X:.**

"JOHNNY!"

Sue's hair ruffled as Johnny came shooting past her, making the Flash look like a mere snail. A second later, the thundering steps of Ben sounded as he shot by her as well, chasing the Human Torch as though his life depended on it.

Or rather, as though Johnny's life depended on it.

Which, all things considered, it probably did.

"Okay, dare I ask?" she called out to them, wincing as she heard a crash, two masculine yells, and an unidentified --when it came to genders and screaming-- yell. _Johnny_, she thought. "H.E.R.B.I.E., what was that?"

The computer answered in a voice of surpressed mirth. **"It seems as though Jonathan tripped and went flying down the hallway, and Benjamin didn't see him, so it appeared as though Jonathan disappeared, and Benjamin tripped over him and also went flying. They then crashed into Dr. Richards." **

Sue shook her head. "I'm surrounded by idiots, I really am. How are they?"

**"Benjamin and Dr. Richards appear to be fine."**

"And Johnny?"

**"Complaining, but fine."**

Sue walked up to the dogpile that had accumulated in the hallway and placed her hands on her hips. "Alright, Ben, Johnny, what's going on? And Reed, can you breath under there?"

"Ben totally started it!" "WHAT? YOU'RE THE ONE THAT DREW ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS SLEEPING, YOU LITTLE PUNK!" "Guys... um, you're squishing me." "So what, you're rubber, you'll survive. I'm just lucky Pebbles here isn't on top of me." "I will kick you into next week, Pretty Boy, if you don't shut up." "Guys..."

Sue massaged her temples; she could already feel a migraine coming on.

"Alright." She pointed at Ben. "You first."

"I was just sittin' there sleepin', and Jigglypuff over there thinks it's funny to draw all over my face."

_"Jigglypuff?!"_

"You heard me."

Johnny stuck out his tongue in a very childish manner.

"Okay, Johnny, your side of the story."

"I was... using Ben as a... um... what are those called..."

"Creative outlet?" came the slightly squashed voice of the slightly squashed Mister Fantastic.

"Oh yeeeah. Thanks Reed."

A thumbs up. "No problem."

"A creative outlet for my overactive imagination." Sue laughed at the absurdity of that statement. "You're kidding me."

"Mostly, yeah."

Sue shook her head, still laughing. "Reed?"

"I was walking down the hallway and became an unwilling cushion."

Sue nodded. "Carrying important papers."

"That scattered everywhere," Johnny added.

"That were carefully organized," Ben said.

Reed nodded.

_So much for that._

**.:X:.**

**A/N**: My friends and I actually did that... I was the one that went flying like Ben... XD Kelly just... vanished.


	3. Cleanup in Aisle Four

**A/N: **I don't know where this came from. And the title is _so_ cheesy. XD I feel so stupid for calling it that...

Requests Are Still Teh Love! Oh, and to answer your question, ElektricStorm, when she ducked, I was still looking straight ahead, so it appeared to me as though she vanished. XD

**Disclaimer:** The Fantastic Four are copyrighted to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. Still trying to work it out... I know it was in that episode of TMNT called "The King"... My head hurts...

**Summary: **Sue sends the guys out grocery shopping, and it doesn't turn out right.

**Clean Up in Aisle Four**

**  
.:X:.**

Sue handed a piece of paper to Reed, who then raised an eyebrow. "Um, what is this?"

"A grocery list, that's what. We're all out of food."

Reed took the list from Sue and scanned the items. "Um... Susan, look, I'm really busy, but I'm sure Johnny and Ben would love to--"

"Reed. Do you really trust those two in a store together? In civilization?"

Reed considered that. "Well, Ben, sort of. Johnny, it depends on the day of the week."

Sue nodded. "Exactly. And since I've been doing the shopping for the past six months, it's _your turn._"

And with that, she stalked away, leaving a very confused Mister Fantastic in her wake.

**.:X:.**

Johnny rubbed the back of his head, scowling. "I can't believe we're going _grocery shopping._"

Reed tried to ignore the fact that Johnny sounded exactly like Sue when he said that, and pushed the cart along.

"Yes, well, unless we all want to starve, we don't really have a choice." He took a look at the list Susan had given him. "First thing on the list is... twelve loaves of bread. She does know I'm still in debt, right?"

Johnny snorted. "With Rockman over here, we'll starve anyway."

"Watch it. Yer on thin ice, Flame Brain."

Johnny burst out laughing. "Then I'll just melt the ice and fly away!" he said snidely.

"Not if you fall in the water first!" Ben grabbed him by the collar and chucked him headfirst into the nearest aisle.

Then realized precisely which aisle he'd just thrown Johnny into.

Reed and Ben both widened their eyes. "Oh damn."

Johnny looked up from his spot on the floor and finally noticed the yards upon yards of frozen dairy, vegetable, and other frozen goods lined up neatly behind the glass doors. Already he could see the water gathering inside. "I do believe this will turn out bad," he said, looking back and forth.

_BOOM_

The doors all swung open as the force of the water finally rushed out and overtook the Human Torch as well as Reed and Ben, and any other innocent bystanders along with it.

A voice spoke over the intercom.

_"Um... clean-up in... every aisle. Get the mops. All of them."_

**.:X:.**

And so the Fantastic Four were forever banned from the A&P down by the mall.

**.:X:.**


	4. Learning Experience

**A/N: **Request for usaow, a.k.a. Corey, one of meh good real-life friends. :D He requested a drabble with the keyword "hemroids". XD

And I quote, "I don't know why... but it just came in mind and I want to see what this would be made into..."

Requests Are _Still_ Teh Love!

**Disclaimer:** The Fantastic Four are copyrighted to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. Still working on that.

**Summary: **Reed and Johnny watch a somewhat disturbing documentary on the Discovery Channel.

**Learning Experience**

**.:X:.**

"Heya, Reed. Watcha watchin'?"

The voice of the Human Torch snapped Reed out of the stupor he'd been in.

Yeah, the Discovery Channel tends to do that.

He looked over at his brother-in-law. "Just some documentaries. Susan kicked me out of the lab --she said I was working too hard and to take a break."

Johnny placed a hand on the couch and lept over it, landing neatly in the seat next to Reed. "Yeah, sis is being extra tyranious today; she told me I was playing too much video games." He took a sip of the soda can he held in his hands. "So what is this, exactly?"

Reed gestured with the remote at the television. "A documentary about several different types of health problems. They're showing the surgeries, too."

Johnny made a face. "Ugh, that sounds... gross."

Reed nodded. "It was that or golf."

"Do we have any other channels?"

"Not really."

"Damn."

**.:X:.**

"Oh God... what are they doing?!"

"I think... I think that's a hemroid."

"But, how are they--"

"It's called BICAP coagulation."

"And that is?"

Before the question could be answered, the television answered it for him

"...Oh dear Lord I'm gonna be sick."

"...Yeah me too."

There was a scurrying as both men made an attempt to get to the bathroom first.

**.:X:.**

Johnny held his stomach and slid down the side of the wall, coughing.

"Reed?" he asked hoarsely. Reed looked up from his spot on the other side of the bathroom, wiping his face with a towel.

"Yeah?"

"Next time, let's watch golf."

"Definitely."

**.:X:.**

**A/N: **Unbelievably short. Oh, and if you don't know whatBICAP coagulation is, look it up if you dare. It involves lasers and/or electricity...

Yay for Reed and Johnny bonding. XD


	5. Sore Loser

**A/N: **Request from Spaztic Arwen, with keyword Twister. I'll be doing the other ones when I ge back from Las Vegas and Los Angeles. Oooh this is gonna be a fun month and a half. This is my last drabble 'til sometime in August. Don't worry, I'll have my notebook with me and I'm gonna be writing down all the ideas that I get. Have a great summer!

Requests Teh Love!

**Disclaimer:** The Fantastic Four are copyrighted to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. ...Nope. Still not gettin' it.

**Summary:** They all play Twister, and they all cheat. Doom makes an appearance in this one.

Reed was going through the mail when he noticed a rather large package sitting on the table. Picking it up, he saw "Fantastic Four" written on the wrappings. Tearing it off, he was both amused and startled to see what had been packed for them.

"Oh, no way."

**.:X:.**

The reactions from the rest of the team were the same.

"No freakin' way," Ben said firmly. "There is no way'n hell I'm playin' Twister."

"Yeah, who would send this to us?" Johnny said skeptically. "Not with Reed. No way."

Susan, unfortunately, seemed to think it would be fun, and she knew exactly how to get the boys to do it.

"Forty bucks to the winner."

Everyone dived for the box.

**.:X:.**

"Ow! Johnny, could you turn down the heat?"

"When Pebbles here stops being so heavy, I'll think about it."

Reed of, course, was winning by a long shot. Damn rubber.

"Hey, Sue, that's not fair! You can't use a force-field to stop you from falling."

"Gah! Johnny! Way too much heat!"

"Stop using the force-field and I'll turn down the heat!"

"Heh, I can't even feel it-- woah, woah, Suzie, where'd yer leg go--"

Crash.

One down.

Three to go.

**.:X:.**

"I can't believe you fell for that "can't see Sue's leg so I just naturally loose my balance" thing."

"Shut it, Flame Brain."

Reed was still winning.

"Johnny, the heat thing isn't gonna work on me anymore, I've got a force-field around my legs."

"Cheater! No force-fields!"

"No fire!"

Ben obviously decided he wanted revenge on the Human Torch for the diss earlier, as he took this opportunity to chuck a pillow at his head.

It sent charred feathers everywhere.

And one very mad Johnny to the ground.

Two down.

Two to go.

Reed was still winning.

**.:X:.**

It was between the two newlyweds now. Which, of course, was not a good thing.

"I'm gonna beat you Reed."

"How is that?"

"I... I don't know, but I will."

"Uh-huuuh."

"I will!"

"I believe you..."

"Sure."

"Left hand blue," Johnny called out, holding the spinner at arm's length. He didn't want it to be incinerated. They needed it.

Both dived for the nearest blue.

And smacked heads against each other and crumbled to the ground, cursing.

Yes. Both of them lost.

Victor laughed from his tower across the street, watching it on the camera he'd attached to the spinner.

A microscopic camera, of course.

Aaah, revenge is sweet.

It was so worth it sending them that game.

**.:X:.**


End file.
